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 Joubuu Mansion

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PostSubject: Joubuu Mansion   Sun Oct 10, 2010 5:58 pm

I have decided to try my hand at fiction! Please leave some feedback and C+C! But, please, don't post if you didn't read it!

~Chapter One~

Ann Joubuu looked out from her balcony. The sun was setting over the clear, blue ocean; the sky streaked with various hues of red, pink, and orange. Ann smiled, for the sight had enlightened her. She had a boring past; rich snooty parents, a neglecting uncle, and a lonely childhood.

"Lady Ann," Jeeves, Ann's butler, said, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine Jeeves," Ann sighed, "Just bored."

Jeeves cleared his throat, as if he was about to talk. Instead, he shuffled out of the room, looking back at Ann. He couls sense somthing was wrong, but couldn't put a name on it.

====

The sun was completely down now, and Ann longed at the ocean. She wanted a happy and exciting life; not like the one she lived now, boring and lonely.

"Dinner time!" Jeeves called when he finished preparing Ann's usual dinner; a five course meal consisting of filet mignon, cherry jubilee, fresh squeezed lemonade, steamed vegetables, and fresh baked rolls.

Ann sighed as she slowly descended down the black, iron, spiral staircase. Her white satin dress and aqua satin sash twirled around her as she walked. Her leather heels clicked on each iron step.

"Lady Ann," Jeeves said bowing as Ann reached the bottom, "Let me escort you to your chair."

Jeeves took Ann's hand and walked her down many hallways; each was white and had glass chandeliers hanging on the cieling, exactly ten feet aprat from eachother.

Ann had inheireted the immense mansion when her parents were killed in a tragic plane accident on their way to Frane, for a business meeting.

====

After finishing the large dinner, Ann climbed up the spiral staircase again, the chandeliers' candles fliskering above her head. The assorted smells of dinner lingered throughout the halls; tender smoked meat, fresh baked goods, and sweet fruits.

Jeeves could be heard downstairs, ordering the maids to wash the dishes and clear the tables.

"-And don't forget to scrub!" Jeeves instructed the maids, his voice muffled by the walls.

Ann walked onto her private balcony. The stars and full moon gleamed, casting a soft light on Ann. A few Nightengales could be heard singing from the trees in the magnificent Joubuu garden, although most of the song could not be heard because of the many crickets chirping below.

Ann walked out further and looked over the edge. Two bright lights flashed on and stared at Ann.

"A cat!" the thought raced through Ann's mind. Any animal other then a bird or bug would be killed!

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PostSubject: Re: Joubuu Mansion   Mon Oct 11, 2010 3:35 am

Ann Joubuu looked out from her balcony. The sun was setting over the clear, blue ocean; the sky streaked with various hues of red, pink, and orange. Ann smiled, for the sight had enlightened her. She had a boring past; rich snooty parents, a neglecting uncle, and a lonely childhood.

"Lady Ann," Jeeves, Ann's butler, said, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Jeeves," Ann sighed, "Just bored."

Jeeves cleared his throat, as if he was about to talk. Instead, he shuffled out of the room, looking back at Ann. He could sense somthing was wrong, but couldn't put a finger on it.

====

The sun was completely down now I would suggest saying something along the lines of "the night had begun", and Ann longedWhut? Longed at the ocean? That doesn't make sense. You've gone wrong somewhere. at the ocean. She wanted a happy and exciting life; not like the one she lived now, boring and lonely.

"Dinner time!" Jeeves called when he finished preparing Ann's usual dinner; a five course meal consisting of filet mignon, cherry jubilee, fresh squeezed lemonade, steamed vegetables, and fresh baked rolls.

Ann sighed as she slowly descended down the black, iron, spiral staircase. Her white satin dress and aqua satin sash twirled around her as she walked, her leather heels click[b]ing on each iron step.

"Lady Ann," Jeeves said bowing as Ann reached the bottom, "Let me escort you to your chair."

Jeeves took Ann's hand and walked her down many hallways; each were white and had glass chandeliers hanging on the ceiling, exactly ten feet apart from each other.

Ann had inherited the immense mansion when her parents were killed in a tragic plane accident on their way to France, for a business meeting.

====

After finishing the large dinner, Ann climbed up the spiral staircase again, the chandeliers' candles fliskering above her head. The assorted smells of dinner lingered throughout the halls; tender smoked meat, fresh baked goods, and sweet fruits.

Jeeves could be heard downstairs, ordering the maids to wash the dishes and clear the tables.

"-And don't forget to scrub!" Jeeves instructed the maids, his voice muffled by the walls.

Ann walked onto her private balcony. The stars and full moon gleamed, casting a soft light on Ann. A few Nightengales could be heard singing from the trees in the magnificent Joubuu garden, although most of the song could not be heard because of the many crickets chirping below.

Ann walked out further and looked over the edge. Two bright lights flashed on and stared at Ann.

"A cat!" the thought raced through Ann's mind. Any animal other then a bird or bug would be killed! This bit is quite confusing. Cats kill birds and bugs. And cats can't fly, and they don't have bright lights... I hope you're going to clear this up..

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PostSubject: Re: Joubuu Mansion   Mon Oct 11, 2010 8:06 pm

The 'bright lights' were supposed to be the light's reflection in the cat's eyes. They do look like lights.

She was longing at the ocean because she wanted to be at the ocean. You know, longing while looking at the ocean?

The cat is a kitten. I was getting to that. I don't think a scared baby kitten would kill things, wouldn't you?

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PostSubject: Re: Joubuu Mansion   Tue Oct 12, 2010 1:37 pm

Why is there a "everything apart from a bug or bird would be killed!" thing there then?

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PostSubject: Re: Joubuu Mansion   Tue Oct 12, 2010 5:31 pm

The people that work the garden's don't mind about the bird or bugs, as the won't harm anything. Any other animal could ruin the garden completely.

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